From the Ashes, Homesickness Remains
by TheLadyInBlackAndPink
Summary: Yay, Manticore burned! Freedom! Everyone seems happy to be out and free, minus one transgenic. Feeling like the odd one out and like no one can understand is such an isolating feeling. While most are struggling to find their place, she knows hers is in a pile of rubble. She's haunted by her longing for Manticore. Is homesickness contagious? Alec and others will find out.
1. Liberated and Lonesome

What a freak she was. Not just because she had different, radically different, DNA than ordinary humans - but because she wasn't enjoying newfound freedom. Many months later, she still held a disdain for her current situation. Far more than she ever disliked Manticore. Even with all her unpleasant experiences at Manticore - ones that another person might call traumatic or wrong - she had never met a worse fate than being homesick for a place that no longer existed. There was absolutely no going back.

Barcode concealed, she trudged through the city streets of the wasteland called Seattle in 2021. It looked like a post-apocalyptic scene. _Fitting,_ she thought, _because it feels like my world had ended 8 months ago._

She got the message, however. She was advancely smart. It had been clear to her, replaying the night, that the fire and shooters weren't an outside attack - but rather an inside one. One coming from the heart of the organization. Having escaped the physical flames didn't stop the betrayal from burning inside her chest. She held disdain and loathing for the new director, who had done it. Renfro. And for the vigilante who had initially sparked it, Eyes Only. _Snake._

Yes, she blamed it on the new director and Eyes Only. Having had time to ponder it, she rapidly came to the conclusion that Lydecker wouldn't have done it. Renfro truly felt nothing for them. She was traitorous. Lydecker, however? She couldn't place it but he was different, somehow. Killing them seemed more a grave matter to him. One could chalk it up to the money and time they're worth. However, it just felt like something different with him. _I still can't place it._

 _God, this walk is taking forever walking at this pace._ She would have normally moved much quicker at home, but she's trying to blend in with humans now, and there's traffic, and people in her way. _No order out here._

She reaches the side entrance to Terminal city, one kept out of view of the ever-interested city and their prying eyes. Sighing, she takes in the view of the gate and opens it. _New home._ The gate is rusted and is struggling to open. _Nothing works here. Everything worked at my former one._

Who would've guessed she'd be so sentimental about Manticore? Everyone, anyone.

Alec runs up to greet her. All smiles as usual. She desperately wants to ask him if he feels the same way, deep down. If she's the only freak who feels this way. _Don't you miss the comfortable routine? The familiar faces? Can we go back? Please?!_ She takes a deep breath. _Silly thoughts._

Forcing a smile, she says hi back to him. He pulls her close with arm, shakes her, and asks if she wants to play pool against him. They had managed to score a table not long ago and she's really good. It's basic hand-eye coordination, with a little bit of stats and predictions thrown in.

Nodding, she agrees, but clearly her heart isn't there. It's somewhere far away today. In a pile of ashes and rubble. Typically, she hides it well. Being homesick. No one will ever understand. Max couldn't seem happier about Manticore being gone, most days. She only seems to doubt its goodness when something goes wrong in the outside world. _Well yeah. Duh. That's what happens when you disrupt order, toss out discipline and duty, and mix transgenics with everyday humans. We're not them._

She casts a glance up at Max, who is busy webcam chatting with Logan. There's heavy resentment and a bit of pity behind it. The X5, **Max** , tries so hard to be like them. To be a normal human girl. _We're never going to be like them. Not really. Pathetic she tries so hard. Wasted effort._

Alec's call for her breaks her out of her musings but she slips right into another set, nodding and holding up a finger to request one minute. A couple months ago, he recalls hearing him say Max broke them all out of Manticore. She hadn't been a damsel in distress. _I never asked to be broke out. How dare one of the rogue X5's be so arrogant to assume that we were all just waiting to be saved? She helps burn down our home, throws us into chaos, and we're supposed to be grateful?_ She throws a hard look up at Max again, who this time had just ended her video chat, and catches the other transgenic's look. Max returns an intense one of her own. _Why bother starting a fight that won't change anything and just disrupt the faint order we have here at TC?_

Breaking their traded stares, she goes off and joins Alec at the pool table finally. Ready to kick his ass. Playing against him is her first genuine smile of the day. The dull pain of homesickness lessened but still underlying her happiness.

Author's note: For now, I'm choosing to leave this transgenic unidentified. This is for mystery's sake, as well as for you the reader. I wanted readers to be able to at least have some freedom to use your imagination, at least in this first chapter. For right now, you all can make her Brin, or imagine any other female X5 you want, except maybe Max cause they have a stare off here. Maybe I'll reveal her later. I'm unsure if I want her to be an OC random escaped transgenic or one of the transgenics we met on the show. I'm leaning towards original transgenic but let me know your thoughts! :) I thought this might be a one-shot but now I'm thinking a several chapter story. Let me know your thoughts on that too! If she's not Brin, maybe she meets Brin and finds they share this homesickness for Manticore? I do wonder what happened to Brin in the second season.


	2. The Fire Never Really Dies

It hits her out of nowhere sometimes. The ache of missing Manticore. The flashbacks teasing her. Again, she feels isolated in her feelings. Looking around TC, it seems no one can relate. They appear to be just fine, having a blast. _How? Is it a facade? But for who?_

"Hey!" Max calls. "You alright?" She just looks at the original rogue X5 slowly. "Yeah, I'm alright. Just thinking." _Alright? How do you define alright now? Will anything ever feel alright again?_ Studying Max, she considers asking her how she dealt with her last 10 years outside of Manticore, but can't bring herself to. It still feels wrong. Still would feel like betraying Manticore, despite everything.

She offers Max a smile, proof she's alright. Max smiles back but concern doesn't completely leave her eyes. Without words of departure, the haunted transgenic walks out of TC's common room and into her makeshift bedroom. She might as well nap. Nothing else to do. _Being depressed is exhausting._

Laying down, she quickly falls asleep. Not long after her head hits the pillow. The familiar dreams come. The only things which ever feel familiar anymore.

 _In a flashback dream, she's doing drills. Repeating familiar phrases. During downtime, she's chatting and laughing with teammates. She feels the security of having a guarded base and fellow loyal transgenics around her. She never has to worry about anything on base. Life is simple. No frivolous, confusing, exhausting choices to make, such as food or clothes or anything. The security of expert, specialized transgenic medical care only a moment away. Sure, she gets yelled at, even goes to psy-ops when things go awry - but that's just par for the course though. Worth it._

She's calm as the dream comes to life inside her sleeping mind. Until the second phase of the dream hits her. Her dreams always end the same. Always the same horrid ending. She's restless, heart pounding, and shaking her head back and forth in her bed. Her eyes are squeezed tightly shut and there's murmurs of "no" escaping her lips.

 _Inside the dream, there's fire breaking out. It starts small. Her transgenic heightened sense of smell picks up on the faint hint of smoke. It's not from a gun, like usual. It's a different kind of smoke than she's used to being in the air. It's from a lit fire._

 _Next, her ears pick up on distant shouts and screams. Not ones she's used to either. It's dark. It's lights out. Why all the commotion?_

 _She gets up out of bed and her blissful ignorance is ruined by a warm door, as she holds her hand a centimeter away from it. Her eyes widen._ _ **Fire on base.**_ _She's calm. Knows better than to panic in a crisis. Although, she feels so helpless, unable to get to her unit mates to make sure they're safe and unable to follow their fire drill procedures because she's locked tight in her cell._

 _Magically the cell door abruptly opens and she thinks maybe things will be okay now. More ignorance on her part. She rushes out of her cell and to her left there's blazing flames. So, she runs rightward. Other cells nearby are opened and she helps every transgenic she finds get out. Fear like she'd never felt before coursing through her._ _ **What is going on?**_

 _Nearing an exit, she breathes again. At least they'll be safe. Look! There's guards who she knows at the exits to help them get out safely. Her ears take in the traitorous sounds of shots being fired. There's no one else there to shoot at besides transgenics and scientists…_ _ **their own people.**_

 _Despite the heat, she suddenly feels cold from shock, but keeps on running. She takes a couple guards out and makes it into the woods. The scent of burnt flesh still a memory in her nasal cavity, the smoke coating her uniform will never come out. Soot covers her as she watches everything she's ever known, and been loyal to, literally crash and burn before her eyes. The shock of the betrayal from the guards lingers with her. She stands there trembling before darting into the dark woods. The familiar tree branches tear her skin and clothes, as she sprints at her full transgenic speed. Going anywhere but here._

Startled awake, her eyes shoot open. She finds them wet with unconscious tears, as always, after her dreams end the way they always do, because they're never just dreams - no matter how hard she futilely wishes. Rolling over, she curls up and sobs. Feeling like she's shattering from the inside out. _It's all gone. Forever._ _All those years of loyalty and the only world she ever knew were ashes in the wind._


	3. Can't Put a Name on It

Today, she's playing pool against a friend at TC. Any activity to keep her mind off things. Her friendly opponent is gorgeous - all transgenics in her class are. Her friend has long blonde hair and bright hazel eyes, which light up a room. They'd been friends before… Sure, everyone worked together well - Manticore's emphasis on teamwork and all - but they'd gotten along particularly great at Manticore. R&R time together had always been a highlight of their days. She always looked forward to getting paired with her on exercises. Even sparring on the mat had been fun, since they both knew their fighting was in good fun.

"Ha, I beat ya again,!..." The blonde proudly exclaimed as she sunk the winning shot. However, as she went to finish her exclamation of victory, she paused at a loss for her next word. The realization hit that she didn't even know her friend's name. The bubbly blonde had chosen "Cherry" for herself and thought it suited her somehow, despite her lack of red hair. Though, she still had to remember to answer to it. Having a real name all of a sudden was a bit weird.

The blonde's opponent froze at that. Her smirk at the blonde's gloating replaced with an unsure look and uncomfortable awkwardness. "Uh… about that…" She began explaining, eyes darting down.

The blonde's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. "Don't tell me you haven't chosen a name yet! Everyone else has already! Transhumans, transgenics." The blonde's eyes looked around the room at the assortment of characters around her. She knew most of their names. She looked back at her old friend in disbelief. Of course, knowing the transgenic across from her, Cherry knew that the other girl was one for going by the rules. Max's unit wasn't the only one to give each other names. Out of hundreds of units, like two others did. It was rare and they kept it on the very downlow for fear of psy-ops, if discovered. After all, that's how Max's unit's rebellion began - with names. The other transgenic across from Cherry would never, maybe not even after being free?

They shared a hard, long look. There was shrugging before a more detailed reply, "I just haven't decided on one yet. I was thinking of choosing one from a past cover but that seems weird. Plus, I might get recognized. I just… never thought about it. I'd gotten so used to my designation for what? Like the past 20 years? My designation is just comfortable. All I have left…"

Now, the unnamed transgenic was sure that her friend was going to drop her jaw and look at her like she just grew another head or started floating. This was the closest she had ever come to admitting to someone that she was having a very difficult time adjusting to outside life and held a longing for her previous one and it wasn't even a clear admission.

To her surprise, the blonde's eyes just softened from shock to understanding and she nodded and offered a small, melancholy smile. "It's okay. I get it."

It was the other transgenic's turn to widen their eyes in shock. _I was so sure no one would get it. That's why I've been burying my feelings so deep down. Is she for real?_

"You do?"

"Yeah, I mean I'm happy to have a name and all. Not something I ever thought about wanting before but now that I can freely have it, it's cool. However, it does still feel weird to hear it from someone, who expects you to recognize it as your identity. It still kind of feels like borrowing one for a mission, except the mission is forever and the name isn't just a cover this time. That's a surreal feeling. Plus, it was super hard to choose one. Growing up, we weren't given many choices, and suddenly we have this huge one fall into our laps!" Cherry sighed and shook her head, making soft and shiny long blonde locks sway back and forth.

"I know what you mean!" The other transgenic related.

Cherry offered another smile and looked over at her friend, studying her. "We'll see. If you want, I'll help and together we'll come up with a name which suits you in no time! Teamwork and all...But it doesn't have to be today, we can take our time. Whenever you're ready." Her smile was back full force now. Whenever they weren't required to wear the blank face of a soldier, in their downtime or on a mission, Cherry always had the best, cheeriest smile which put everyone at ease.

The other transgenic slowly nodded her head. Still feeling unsure, but her friend had made her feel much better about everything. She looked off and thought for a moment. "What's your...name?" Even asking the blonde transgenic the question felt weird. They'd always had covers or designations.

Cherry giggled at her friend's weirdness with the strange question. She tilted her head and smiled a big, bright pearly smile. "I went with Cherry. Not sure why? I'm still learning about this stuff but I'm not sure name's need a reason why, which is kind of confusing and odd. I asked Max about this and she seemed to confirm that while sometimes name's had a meaning - like Alec's standing for smart alec, which is his nature, they can also just be names you like. Max, Logan, those are all just names their unit mates or parents' liked. I guess they like them too, cause apparently you can officially change your name, if you really want. I didn't know that." Tilting her head again, her mind drifts to the names she had heard on base, often doctors', and idly wondered if they'd changed their names or did they stick with the names given to them?

"I like the name. I don't think you should change it!" Her unnamed friend offered. "I think it suits your personality. Sweet but can pack a punch."

"Thanks! I hadn't put all that much thought into it honestly, just liked the name." She giggled. "We'll find one you love!"

 _Can it be my designation? I'm already fond of that one._ She sighed. _Homesickness again. I don't want a name, I don't want change. Fuck decisions._ They both noticed her mood had suddenly shifted. _Must be one of those sudden mood changes I've heard the depressed or victims of trauma might get._

"You know I'm suddenly tired again. I know I just woke up! But I could use a nap already. If it's okay, can we hunt for a name later? I'm feeling exhausted." The transgenic shared.

Cherry looked slightly surprised but nodded. Her unnamed friend, _800_ , offered a smile before walking away swiftly and heading straight for her room. Cherry watched her, concern written on her face, and put her hands on her hips. Her friend was normally always energetic, and while not quite as bubbly as Cherry, usually pretty happy. _Something has been wrong with her since Manticore fell. What's wrong? Can I help? Would she even share enough to let me?_

"Hey, is this table empty?" A transgenic asked Cherry, with another behind him who clearly wanted to play. "It is now." Cherry said in an unusually grumpy voice before turning quickly and sauntering away in thought. The male transgenic watched her hips swing away before the girl next to him slapped him on the head, rolling her eyes and shaking her head, before going to work setting up the table.

Author's note: This story is a bit of a deep dive into the psychological fuckery of the relationship between Manticore and transgenics. We get hints of it in the show during that vampire cult episode where he tries to brainwash him with "you don't exist apart from the family" stuff and with Brin and Jace intitally. Even Alec shares some enlightenment on this when he calls Manticore "home" after following newly escaped Max into Logan's penthouse. Remember, he asks if when Logan dies, if he can go "home?" Maybe we can explore Alec's feelings and strugglings with life after Manticore. I always thought on the show they adjusted to their life after Manticore, which was such a huge, sudden change, too easy but maybe that's just them not letting it show. This is a look into the inner self of a transgenic who doesn't click with her new life. I want to explore how she reacts when she sees people from her past, like doctors and superiors, maybe past missions, and if the memories and longing keep weighing on her, and if that'll put strain between her and Max and them.


	4. Real Original

800 and a few other transgenics sat around TC, watching news coverage on TV. Regular folks going on about the "transgenic menace," as if they even knew what they were ranting about. 800 shook her head. _What a mess everything has become._

From her right, a female brunette X6 shares her thoughts. "Idiots. They didn't even know about us 8 months ago and now they're experts."

"Personally, I preferred when they didn't know about us." 800 shared, eyes continuing staring at the TV with her arms crossed.

The other transgenics studied her before nodding their agreement. "But at least Manticore's gone, these days." The others shared smiles. 800 caught this and mirrored them to keep her real feelings covered up but she was a second too late. The other ex-super soldiers had caught her hesitation.

"What you're not happy Manticore's gone, 800?" An older black haired male transgenic asked accusatory. Suddenly, 800 felt like she was a suspected traitor being interrogated. She shot back a cold, hard look at the boy while the others just watched with poker faces on.

Surprisingly, she broke into a smile but it was entirely void of any warmth or real joy. She tilted her head pointedly to the screen. "Why, I'm just thrilled, Lain! It's super fun. We get to sit around all day listening to the disdain the normal population has for us, while waiting for the government to barge in and start trying to shoot us all! Oh, while trying not to starve in the meantime. Really, what's not to love?" She asked in a pleasant tone and questioning arm gesture, despite her dark words. Then, she dropped the act and rolled her eyes.

The other transgenics were speechless for a quick second as they weighed her words. The black haired boy, Lain, shot back, "Yeah, well at least it's better than being burnt up or currently shot dead, which would've been our fate back home." The words "back home" were out of his mouth before he thought of them and the sickness of home trying to kill them cut them all like knives, sharp enough to make a super soldier wince.

Max and Alec overheard their conversation and walked into the main room in TC, where the group had been lounging. 800 regarded Max for the millionth time but this time she didn't hold all of her feelings back for once. She made a grand, sweeping gesture to mock introduce Max, "And now here comes the very _ **person**_ who caused that all in the first place." She disdainfully used the word person, since Max wanted to be humanized so damn badly.

All eyes turned to Max, as if they all were really meeting for the first time. Max gave 800 a long, hard look with her piercing brown eyes. "I'm sorry, I really should've let you rot inside Manticore. How dare I try to save you?"

800 got up. "See, that's what your dense, traitorous '09er ass never grasped. No one was rotting inside Manticore! We were soldiers, born, bred, and raised as such because we didn't check out one night when our asses got bored of the room decor. You ran away and left us all to, as you say "rot" for a decade without giving a damn. What changed?" Her words were just as heated as the burning barracks had been. Her piercing eyes met Max's, unafraid of a challenge.

"You may have liked living out here, hiding and running away from where you came from but it doesn't suit all of us. Just because you're a deserter doesn't mean you had to burn it down and ruin it for all of us." Her eyes were blazing through Max's now.

Alec opened his mouth to intervene on his friend Max's behalf and set 800 straight, but 800 held up a hand to stop him. "Don't bother. I was just leaving." With that, she briskly passed Max. "By the way, if this..." she looked around the room and eyes landed on the TV, "is your idea of salvation. Then, you should've kept it to yourself because being "saved" sucks."

Not a second after the last word was said, 800 had disappeared. Max looked more wounded than she had in a very long time. The air was knocked out of her and her face displayed her pain and guilt.

One of the smaller transgenics, a younger X6, in the room piped up. "Well, some of us are grateful to be saved from destruction." He offered meekly, hoping to help ease the blow.

Max and Alec looked at him before Max stormed off. "Max…" Alec called after her, reaching a hand out for her before using it to scratch the back of his head. _Who knew letting a bunch of raised from birth super soldiers out into the world to adapt would be so hard?_

He walked away, disturbed. 800 words had raised up some feelings within himself. As she parroted the descriptors Manticore assigned to Max and the other '09ers, the words flashed in front of his mind. Traitor, snake, deserter, turncoat, enemy. For one brief, absolutely terrifying second he felt himself start to resent Max. It faded soon enough but it was proof that he wasn't as ex-Manticore as he'd liked to be. The weight and the feelings all came rushing back. He hadn't heard those words used for Max in so long, but he had sure grown up hearing them... everyday for a while.

Manticore wanted to be super sure that their super soldiers would never, _**ever**_ defect again. The slurs used against the '09ers were nearly more ingrained in them than their barcodes. Alec rubbed his chest. He didn't like the brief hate he had felt there for his friend. He walked off to his sleeping quarters to nap it off, or think over things.

Laying down on his cot, he stared at the ceiling with his hands folded on his stomach. His mind racing and his fingers twiddling. _How do I feel about Max?_ He'd been told what to feel/think/do/say all of his life. Separating what was truly coming from him, from what was imposed by Manticore felt impossible. Maybe it was. He sighed and turned over to nap. It was the middle of the day but he didn't care. He just wanted some peace and a break from his mind. _Thinking is so exhausting._


End file.
